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Nervous about spending time with family and friends over the holidays, in the wake of a divisive election season?  Here are some tips about having conversations across political differences.

• Set your boundaries.  

Decide if this is a conversation that you are ready and willing to have.  Is your relationship with this person worth the potential conflict and discomfort?

Remember: you do not need to abandon your beliefs and values, and you should never compromise your safety.  You get to decide what you want to share about personal and emotional topics, and how much teaching you are willing to do. You also have the right to end a conversation at any time.

• Set realistic expectations.  

You control your own energy, tone, and words; you do not control how the other person responds.  What will help you feel afterward that you did your best?

Accept that the conversation will feel uncomfortable. You can build your stamina for hard conversations, while listening to your body to decide how much is too much.

Remember that acceptance is not agreement.  We can respectfully allow others to have a different opinion.

• Start from a place of shared values and identities.  

What is important to the other person, and why?  Often we can find some overlap or appreciation for another person’s values.

Where do you share identities, such as belonging to the same family, group, or community?  Think about ways to start the conversation that remind you both about what you have in common.

• Lead with curiosity.

Show your own openness to really listening to their point of view.  This may teach you something - and it will also make it more likely that they will listen more openly to you.

Try questions like, “Can you say more about that?” or, “What was that like for you?”

•  Set your goal as building connection and understanding.  

This is more productive to try to “win” the conversation.  

When people come to see a topic impacting someone they know personally, they are most likely to expand their perspective.  You may have a unique position of influence.

Remember that this is someone who you care about and with whom you have a long term investment.  Change does not happen all at once. 

• Take care of yourself

These conversations can take a lot out of us.  Reward yourself for doing your best with something joyful or relaxing.  Take a walk, reach out to a friend, listen to music . . . or find other ideas on our Pleasant Activities webpage.

When you are ready, you might reflect on what you feel like you did well, and what you may have learned for the future.  Most likely, there will be other conversations to come - so sustain yourself for the long term.